It’s been a long… month, year, I don’t even know…
I’m in externship now, running around a hospital three days a week. They like me, I think. Almost everyone I’ve worked with has said they’re impressed with my determination to always be doing something. I know I’m trying hard, because I want them to keep me, because I want this career transition thing to be easy and I don’t want to deal with applying for jobs at a point when half my current professional references have fallen apart. But turns out I like drawing blood a lot more than I thought.
I’m learning how to do my job, but I’m also learning so much about myself through this experience.
I watched someone die last week, I’m pretty sure. That was a very new experience for me, still haunting in the worst way. I watched on the edges, unable to get a good view, and I’m not sure what ultimately happened but I feel it in my heart in the worst way. Nothing prepares you for that, the black hole of sideline loss. Things happen. Maybe you get used to it. I don’t know.
I never thought I’d go into anything medical, but this week ish I get to figure out applying for nursing school because I’ve realized I’d be good at it and I want to. Maybe that happens, maybe it doesn’t.
I guess somewhere along the line I became a person I didn’t realize I was, and I ignored that because it didn’t fit what I thought I wanted, and then the cocoon burst a couple weeks ago and suddenly I have to deal with these new complexities. I am more gentle than I thought. I hate watching people in pain. I hate causing pain. I have a very vulnerable heart, and not in the way I thought I did. And strangest of all, none of that is bad anymore.
I spent so long trying to convince myself I was bulletproof. Acting like I was. Pushing some people away, treating others in ways I shouldn’t have. A phase I don’t regret, but I guess a theme here as I attempt to process my life in an internet journal is that I did not stay there. I am choosing to move forward and become human.
I’m realizing how many false fronts I put up, some towards people who don’t see through them as well as they once did. I think there’s a way to embrace this vulnerability thing, but I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore…