glitch in my code

It was real and good, I tell myself. Sweet boy was cautious with me. Sweet boy asked before he touched me. Sweet boy stopped when I said stop. Sweet boy sometimes stopped even before then, sensed a tension in my body and moved back and just held me until my heart slowed down again. Sweet boy reminded me, over and over again, that I had complete control. Sweet boy did nothing to intentionally hurt me and apologized over and over when something went wrong anyways.

This in itself, I figure, is a normal enough thought process. The problem is it’s about a series of events that happened three months ago, and I still have to run through my reminders at least once a day.

I wasn’t taught to say no.

Again, that’s probably another post I need to do. (I ought to start keeping a list.) But it’s relevant here.

I wasn’t taught to say no to anyone for any reason, and that makes the memory of my first physical encounter so much more complicated than it needs to be.

I know I wanted that boy. I know he would’ve understood if I had been in a different mood that night, and I know his respect for me wouldn’t have changed. I know he would’ve been content enough to just stand there and hold hands while staring up at the stars and talking about weird moments from our respective childhoods. I knew at the time, and still do, that no one else in this world has ever made me feel so safe.

I just wish trauma-brain would shut up and let me have that safe-place memory.

Instead, I sit here and run through the details and reassurances one more time, and it’s still not enough.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “glitch in my code

  1. Boundaries are the hardest thing for me. Often I don’t realize I needed one until after. I get on autopilot and get through a situation and then realize I didn’t want to be in that situation and had the opportunity to stop it.

    It’s so hard to remember I have a voice and a say sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve gotten lucky tbh. I project enough of a tough-girl persona that I DON’T get into situations where I would get taken advantage of. But… turns out that when someone breaks through my walls, I’ll do just about anything to make them happy.

      With the situation I write about a lot on here right now, the weird undefined relationship-ish thing I’m in, I am constantly reminded that I have power and I am able to make my own choices and yet sometimes that’s still not enough.

      (Sigh.)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. Saying “no” has been one of the hardest things for me to conquer. I get that. Boundaries are necessary…but sometimes complicated and scary. But I also know that there is power and confidence and even protection when we stand up and say “no” when we know we should. Having an undefined relationship is super hard. And normally not really healthy. I’ve recently struggled with that one. I’ve been learning that it’s best to have defined relationships. That I am beautiful and worth something without having “a someone” who notices or cares. That men are not my source of femininity or worth or assurance or confidence. We aren’t meant to be men’s affirmation. We cannot “make” a man. We are not his source of masculinity – we were never created to be. We aren’t supposed to be the “center of his universe”. We can be their best friend, an inspiration, supporters, co-laborers, followers – but we cannot be their mission any more than then can be our emotional security.

    Like

    • The situation has become a bit more defined since I did this post… there have been some deep conversations about it, and turns out ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT THINGS solves a lot of problems. I know where I stand with my caretaker person, and I know it’s not my endgame, and I’m happy. (It really is nice to have someone genuinely worry about me, even if that IS like half the reason we don’t work romantically.)

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s