phantom limb syndrome

I lost a friend over the summer. They didn’t like some of my choices, and… okay, fair, one thing in particular was an interesting decision on my part, but at least everyone else who called me out on it saw the disaster for what it was. As opposed to my former bestie, who decided that another person in my life didn’t quite check off enough diversity//oppression boxes to be tolerated.

Ah, yes, because someone who’s knowingly screwed up someone else’s marriage should TOTALLY judge other people’s choices. Good grief, even the BUBBLE would draw the line against that one!!

So, that happened a while back, and it hit me this week how much I MISS said ex-friend. Like, I don’t miss the way they only liked me when our traumas mirrored each other, or the way they expected me to be SUPER SUPPORTIVE of *their* bizarre life choices while simultaneously guilt-tripping me about my own for TOTALLY BULLSHIT REASONS (yes, my wolf friend has both a dick and a personality; no, that does NOT make him pure evil)… but I miss the good parts. I miss having someone who’d experienced the bubble the exact same way I had and who understood that some things are just impossible to explain to outsiders.

A friend of a friend posted on FB this week that she didn’t find her husband attractive until after they were married and only accepted his interest in her ’cause of how spiritual he was. Every alarm bell in my body went off when I read that, and my first thought was that my ex-friend was probably the ONLY person in my circle who’d understand why that anecdote made me want to vomit. Except… ex-friend is ex-friend for REASONS. I don’t want them back in my life. I got a lot out of that friendship, but the lowkey manipulation and guilt were probably not worth the five years I sacrificed.

And yet there’s still that empty place where they used to be. Waiting, I guess, for someone else who managed to get out of the homeschool bubble WITHOUT drifting to an extreme. And hopefully the next person, the bionic arm in my future, will be a little less hypocritical. Fingers crossed.

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5 thoughts on “phantom limb syndrome

  1. Totally understand this! I’m going through the same thing. Only she was my bestie from 13-26. There is so much only she’d get. Now I have these jokes and references and weird moments where I turn to tell her and she’s gone. I still keep up with her brother so I know where she is and when she isn’t ok. And it’s hellish some days when I need her or I hear she needs me and it’s just not our places to be anymore. I don’t miss the BS. But heavens do I miss the good stuff.

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    • At least with mine, I don’t have any connections with them other than still being FB friends (and I’m probably gonna hide them from my feed so the wound doesn’t hurt so much). I just… guh, you expect that you’re gonna have someone for the rest of your life and then they turn out to be a FANTASTIC asshole and… suddenly I have to revamp like half my plans.

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      • Our families are friends. The implosion for the pair of us revolved around her hiding a pregnancy from everyone except baby daddy until a month before her due date. She told some tremendous lies about me to explain away our distance during this period to her family, while I’m left clueless. Now she’s in a custody battle and I get regular updates because I’m still connected. So beyond the sharing random moments of my day there’s still part of me that wants to support her in the battle and it absolutely kills to not be part of my would be niece’s life. She was my sister.
        It’s a nasty little cycle of missing her, being angry with myself for missing her, getting to a good place and missing her not being there for it.

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      • Right? This is a girl who can’t lie about the smallest things but had everyone sold on her still being a virgin. Despite everything, it is impressive. I’ll give her that much.

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