happier now

I realized a couple days ago that I don’t actually remember the last time I had an out-of-control crying episode. That changed literally half an hour later when I found out that someone I care about has a possible new girlfriend, and that combined with other wildlife getting engaged screwed with my emotions enough that I didn’t sleep, but… for the most part, I’m doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was a couple months ago.

Changing departments at work helped a lot. Getting the hell away from a manager who in hindsight was probably psychologically abusive helped a LOT. I don’t have to spend half my waking hours wanting to scream that compared to what I grew up around, compared to what I was expected to learn as survival tactics, that behavior is NOTHING. I’d seen it all before from people much more talented and practiced in the art of breaking souls, but that one hit a lot harder than I realized until after it was over.

And I’m back in school now. Idk if I mentioned that here. I’m going for some kind of lab tech certificate, exact details to be worked out in a couple weeks once summer/fall registrations open up but ideally I’m going for phlebotomy tech. It’s a one-year program, and once I get that I’m gonna try to get a job at one of the hospitals in Cinci and see what blossoms from there.

My bad-brain days are almost nonexistent.

I’m so much more confident now. Even with the above boy trouble, I’ve got my self-destructive tendencies on a leash. It’s not my fault that the human personification of everything I value and want isn’t attracted to me. Sometimes that just happens. Nothing that can be done about it. I’m okay with my body as it is, and while I’m passive-aggressively trying to lose a little weight (aka continuing my cycle of eating what I want and hoping that balances out), I’m okay if I stay where I am right now.

Honestly, the whole “I don’t hate my body anymore” thing should be its own post because that’s a separate rabbit trail of beautiful crazy.

For a while I thought all of this was a manic episode and it was gonna come crashing around me. I haven’t totally ruled out that option, but as the past few months have gone by and things have evolved so beautifully, I’m leaning against it. This is real.

This is real.

I have my shit together, and I’m doing better than I ever dreamed, and it’s only gonna get better.

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