It’s summer, it’s sneak-peak-at-hell hot in Cinci, and I’m all fluttery again. Some things really do not change.
I’m gonna keep details off here for now, because there are a few conversations that have not been had, but what y’all need to know is that there’s a boy. Or at least there might be. He’s scarred and beautiful and kind, we’re trying to figure out how to do things like normal people, and he makes me feel safe. We’ve got some strange history, and hopefully someday I’ll be able to tell that story here but now is really not the time, but we’re better people now. Or at least trying to be. Idk.
Naturally, because this is me and I don’t do anything easy or halfway, this has led to a few realizations about myself.
The first thing is it’s completely possible for me to like somebody and not be a mess around or about them. I’ve been texting the boy pretty-much constantly for about a week now, and I haven’t gotten blushy or panicky at all. Convinced that I am doing this maybe-relationship thing terribly, yes, but he’s calm about it. Very patient, this one, at least with me. Very willing to let me do things at my pace and comfort level, very supportive.
(Given the circumstances, it’s kinda hilarious, but again – not telling that story here yet. Or maybe ever.)
The second thing is that I legitimately have no idea what I’m doing. I know that’s been well established, given that I’m a former Bubble kid who got the majority of her sex-ed from fanfic in high school and somehow came through both of those things with a realistic and appropriate view of romantic love and sexuality, but it’s never hit me how complicated that can make things. Maybe even more so when the other person’s background is decidedly different. Nothing’s really happened, but things have been talked and… I have no idea how normal people do any of this. I know they probably do not do about half the things I’ve done in the last few days, but whatever. I’m trying.
And the third thing, perhaps the most important thing, is that I love exactly the way I thought I did. I just, y’know, now have a little practical experience to back that up.
I worry as a sign of affection (and because some people just need another person to give a damn about their existence and weaknesses and experiences).
I see beauty where no one else does (and it’s absolutely tragic, seeing light in someone who’s convinced they’re a monster, but I’m trying).
I say what I mean, try to be sweet and supportive, and try to anchor (and I am lucky enough that all of that is mutual).
Somehow, everything makes sense.
So, we’ll see what happens tomorrow and going forward from there. We’ll see where this new adventure leads me, attempting to build something real with someone good.
But until then, me and the butterflies in my heart are signing off. xoxo.