Okay y’all, time for the first in a series of list posts. The usual content on Littlest Lioness (aka random musings about the utter insanity that is my love life) is gonna go on hold for a while. In its place, well… today, I present to you a horror story from having worked retail for several holiday seasons.
Christmas music is inherently annoying. Freaking FIGHT ME if you think otherwise. But not all annoyances are created equal, and in honor of that I’m doing a set of two posts. The second one, which will go up in a couple days, will be my own personal holiday playlist of lesser-known covers and eclectic awesomeness. THIS ONE, however, is the opposite. This is my hell-no list of songs that need to not be played in public places during the season, and it’s extremely biased but whatev. I have FEELINGS.
So, without further adieu, the list:
the entirety of Zooey Deschanel’s Christmas album
I just… no. Her voice is annoying and gets on my nerves. And if you have to have that on your playlist, just one or two songs will do. Not the entire album. Or… nevermind, I just checked itunes and there are actually TWO albums (and I don’t intend to rec any of her stuff, but the cover of “Meli Kalikimaka” is every bit as horrific as one would expect so um yeah). No. Not good. Go back to your corner with your tennis-ball eyes and your ukelele.
any version of “Santa Baby” apart from the original.
This one gets a disclaimer because, well, the original version is iconic. Eartha Kitt was a badass (and sidenote, can we get a bait-movie biopic of her starring Thandie Newton?? please??), and for having been originally recorded by a black woman in the early 1950s, that song is ambitious. So her version, with her impeccable diction, can stay. The hundred or so other versions?? Not so classic. Exactly how many festive odes to sexual manipulation do we really need?!
Bruce Springsteen’s rendition of “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town”
Can we please not?? I try to have respect for icons who’ve earned their status, and from what I’m aware (please tell me if I’m wrong), the Boss’s decades-long career is worthy. And that particular cover isn’t even that bad. The problem here is frequency. Because it’s musically interesting while still harmless and classic, that song gets played to hell and back in about every store I’ve ever been in between mid-November and Christmas. The occasional hearing, I can tolerate. Once an hour? Nah.
any rendition of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” performed by an adult male
Creepy at best. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Even worse with a country accent, but still a bad idea without one.
“Run Run Rudolph”
This one gets points when used in movies (or as background noise when my mom and grandma and I ran through three stores in search of a cologne my dad wanted that WE DID NOT FIND – yeah, that actually happened), but I’m not sure what the point is. Or if there even is one. I’ll tolerate Kelly Clarkson’s version because it sounds like genuine FUN and she seems like one of the only current pop stars who genuinely wanted to do a holiday album, but in general this one’s just an obnoxious earworm.
“I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”
Speaking of earworms… dude, I live in Cincinnati, #teamfiona for life, but still. There is no exception version of this song. The version by A Great Big World is gonna be stuck in my head until February. Go awaaaay.
approximately thirty covers of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” on the same playlist
No. Just no. It’s not even the content of the song that bugs me (that viral tumblr post explaining cultural context and how it was actually pretty progressive for when it was originally written has solved that problem). It’s the fact that everyone and their freaking cat has done a version of it, and there’s not a lot that can be done to make any particular cover different, and familiarity breeds contempt.
“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow”
Again, this is a local-girl thing. Do not remind me that everyone in my geographical region is about to forget how to freaking drive for three months, and don’t sound so damn cheerful about it either!!!