embrace the crazy

I had another of those life-changing realizations yesterday.

Well, actually I’ve had a couple this week, but this one was a classic “what happens when Alyssa tries to use TV shows as therapy” moment. And, as always happens with such things, it was exactly what I needed.

I’m not sure if I’ve posted on this blog about my tendency to end up watching things exactly when I need a particular message from them without being aware of that detail until it happens, but… that’s a thing. If I imprint onto a show, fully emotionally connect with it, there’s usually something I need to learn from it. I’ve been sorta tracking this pattern for over three years, and it is a Thing for me.

So, this week. Two shows, because sometimes I don’t listen to stuff the first time and sometimes it’s really reassuring to know I’m not alone.

First, I finally finished watching season 2 of The Magicians. (Disclaimer – if you have any triggers whatsoever, DO NOT WATCH THAT SHOW. It’s a content nightmare if you have any visual triggers of any species!!) I have a weakness for utterly trashy genre shows, and that one hits all my buttons. Not to mention that s2, in my opinion, made the characters more likable. (There were multiple moments when I felt sorry for Margo, who I utterly disliked in s1. It’s that good.) Admittedly I’ll watch just about anything that originally airs on SyFy, but… idk, I could ramble on about how y’all should watch Magicians if you’re strong enough to handle the content level, but that is not the point of this post.

Point is there’s this plotline in the second half of the season, which I am going to be vague about because it involves a show-only character (the show is loosely based on a series of books that I personally found boring as hell), that hit my emotional buttons. And there’s this one scene, about two thirds of the way through the season, that resonated so hard with me. All I can say, because SPOILERS and yes it aired like two months ago but I am a nice person about my underappreciated shows, is it involves one character trying to convince another character that he doesn’t care about her crazy, he loves her and he wants her and screw it, he’ll put up with whatever bullshit she throws at him if it means they can attempt to be together.

As someone who has been told by everyone she’s ever liked that she is too much crazy for them… I legit cried.

And then, a very similar message on a sliiightly similar show.

I’m gonna do a bigger post about my feelings re: American Gods once the season is over. Okay, this being me, there will be SEVERAL posts. For now, what matters is I’ve been a feelings puddle about this damn show since the casting was announced a year ago and the first ep just confirmed that yup, I’m gonna be spending my summer feeling All The Things about a show that’s basically a roadtrip comedy crossed with… guh, I don’t even know how to describe it beyond COMPLETELY INSANE. Seriously. Don’t watch the show if blood’s not your thing, but do go read the book because it’s unlike anything else I have ever encountered.

And again, there’s a theme of loving someone despite their crazy. Or occasionally because of their crazy.

And again, serious spoilers, but the only thing that is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN for the entire book – and is being translated beautifully through the show so far – is that the only significant “couple”, if you will, love each other despite everything. Despite the fact that, y’know, one of them is technically dead for most of the relevant plotline. And made a bad life choice that kicks off the rollercoaster of crazy that her darling gets dragged through. And… SPOILERS, really.

She’s a hot mess (and aware of her status as such, but still a mess). He loves her anyways. It works. And there’s this one scene in the first ep of the show… I do not have words but again, puddle.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple weeks wondering how to change myself so people will like me, and then this week’s TV-watching happened and I got multiple examples of people who are loved and treated well by their partners despite the fact that they’re… well… crazy.

Maybe I don’t need to hide what I am. Maybe I don’t need to put the weird shit on a very short leash. Maybe what I need is to embrace and revel in it.

Because someone out there, there might be someone wonderful who’s gonna fall in love with me anyways.